Matthew Corrupts Your Favorite Activities
by HellfireSupremacy
Summary: Matthew is bored. Mark knows a game that will keep the thief entertained for a quite some time. Rated for crude humor and innuendo.
1. Chapter 1

**I don't own Fire Emblem. If you thought I owned Fire Emblem before you read that disclaimer, you're either a complete retard or a trial lawyer. **

Matthew Corrupts Your Favorite Hobby.

"Hey Matthew," Mark thought aloud. "How do you feel about getting cheap laughs at other people's expense?"

"I think it's a damn good way to kill some time," replied the bored thief. "What exactly do you have in mind?"

"Something crude, but highly entertaining. All you have to do is walk up to random members of the army and ask them questions about their favorite activity. How old were you when you started? Who taught you how? How often do you do it? That sort of thing."

"That doesn't sound fun," Matthew yawned.

"Oh, that's just the set up," explained Mark. "Here's the twist: while they're answering your questions about their favorite activity, you imagine that their favorite activity is masturbation."

Matthew's bored expression was suddenly replaced by a mischievous grin.

"This could be interesting…"

Rebecca was walking along, minding her own business when Matthew appeared out of nowhere.

"Hey Rebecca, can I have a moment of your time?"

"Piss off Matthew. My purse is back at the camp and I'm not carrying any of my valuables."

"Relax pigtails, I just want to ask you a few questions about your favorite hobby. How old were you when you started doing…whatever it is you do when you're not shooting at bandits and assassins?"

Rebecca was caught off guard by Matthew's seemingly random question. For a moment she regarded the thief with suspicion, but ultimately she saw no harm in giving him an honest answer.

"Well, if you really want to know, my hobby is hunting (a.k.a. masturbating). I started hunting when I was eight years old and I've been doing it ever since."

For reasons completely unbeknownst to Rebecca, Matthew was laughing hysterically.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah I'm fine," said the thief. "Just thought of something funny. Really funny. Anyways, next question. Who taught you how to _hunt_?"

"Actually, I never had a proper instructor. I pretty much taught myself how to _hunt_."

"And how often would you say you _hunt_, Rebecca?"

"I don't know, I'd say whenever I need to. I have to do it every few days to keep the camp stocked, although sometimes I just _hunt_ for fun."

That did it. Matthew was on the ground laughing his ass off. Rebecca had absolutely no idea what was going on.

"You're weird Mathew. You're even weirder then Wil."

By the time Matthew regained his composure, Rebecca was gone and another figure had taken her place. A very hairy, very unattractive figure.

"Have you seen Rebecca?" Lowen asked. "She was supposed to meet me here for lunch."

"Yeah, I saw her," Matthew grinned. "I can tell you where she went, but first you have to answer three questions."

"I'll tell you whatever you want to know, just tell me where Rebecca is. I need to talk to her. I had an evil premonition. She must be warned!"

"I'm sure it was terrifying. Now, here's what I want you to do. Think of something you enjoy doing. Don't tell me what it is, just think about it…

_Eating, _Lowen thought. _I enjoy eating._

"…Now tell me, how old were you when you started doing this…enjoyable activity. Who taught you, and how often do you do it?"

"I've been doing it since the day I was born," replied Lowen. "I do it at least three times a day—morning, noon and night. I learned the basics myself, but my parents taught me the proper technique at etiquette for formal occasions."

"Lowen, you just made my day. Mark was right, this is fucking hilarious."

"So, about Rebecca…where is she?"

"Pigtails was here a few minutes ago. We talked for a while, then she ran back to the camp. I think. I scared her off."

"Thanks Matthew! I'll run back to the camp and look for her."

"I think I'm going to head back also. I got a whole list of people I need to question.

Erk was on sentry duty that afternoon, so when Matthew returned to the camp that was the first person he encountered.

Sucks to be Erk.

"Hey Erk, can I ask you a few questions about the stuff you do in your free time?"

"Seems kind of pointless," Erk replied.

"It won't take long," Matthew assured him. All you have to do is think of something you enjoy doing…"

_Slitting my wrist,_ Erk thought.

"…and tell me how old were you when you started doing it, who taught you to do it, and how often you do it."

"Fair enough," said Erk. "I enjoy doing something that I just discovered a year ago, right after I met Serra. Actually, Serra's probably the reason I started doing it. I taught myself how to do it, and I usually do it after dealing with Serra. It helps me relieve the tension that builds up during our encounters."

Matthew was in tears. He had never laughed so hard in his entire life.

"Congratulations Erk. That's the best one I've heard so far, and I don't think anyone's going to be able to top it."

Erk said nothing.

"By the way, your hobby is slitting your wrists. There's no shame in it, Serra just has that effect on people. I'd do the same if I had to baby-sit that pink-haired demon."

Matthew slipped into the camp and questioned many more people. But that's a story for another day…

**I Wrote this spur of the moment. If you want to see more chapters, R&R and tell me which characters you want to see Matthew punk. **


	2. Chapter 2

**HellfireSupremacy: Previously, in "Matthew Corrupts Your Favorite Activities," Matthew took leave of everyone's favorite emo mage…**

**Erk: Hah! Kiss my crack Soren!**

**Soren: Fuck You! At least I have a boyfriend cries on Ike's shoulder**

**Erk: LOL, Gayness**

**HellfireSupremacy: …that was weird…anyways, Matthew left Erk to his wrist slitting and went of in search of more victims. And the first person he found was…oh I don't know. Let's say…Florina.**

**Florina: WHAT!?**

**HellfireSupremacy: Sorry Flo, your next on the hit parade. If it's any consolation, I think your piece came out pretty damn funny.**

**Florina: runs away screaming like a little girl**

**HellfireSupremacy: What she meant to say was "Hellfire Supremacy doesn't own Fire Emblem."**

Matthew Corrupts Florina's Favorite Activity

"Hey Matthew," Florina chirped. "Guess what I got."

"A new voice?" Matthew teased. "One that you can actually use?"

"Aw, come on Matthew. I'm not that shy."

"You piss yourself every time a straight man even looks at you. The only reason you're even talking to me is because you think I'm gay with Guy."

"Oh, don't act like its still a secret Matthew. The entire camp knows you two have a slave and master thing going on. Guy is your loyal submissive and he has to do whatever you want in bed, right?"

"No Florina, not right. In case you missed that whole thing with Leila dying and me nearly going insane, I had a steady girlfriend for years and I haven't been in a relationship since. But…"

Matthew flashed one of his deviant smiles.

"As long as you think I'm gay and you're willing to talk to me because you think I'm like, one of the girls or something, would you mind answering a few questions."

"Sure, why not," said Florina. "What do you want to know?"

"Okay, here's what I want you to do," Matthew began. "Think of something you enjoy doing."

_Flying_, thought Florina. _I enjoy flying on my pegasus._

"Now tell me, how old were you when you started doing this enjoyable activity (a.k.a. masturbating, in case you're retarded and you already forgot the joke from Chapter 1).

"Seven years old," Florina answered. "I still remember the first time I did it. I was so scared at first. But once I got into it, it was the greatest feeling in the world."

"Heh heh, don't I know it."

"What was that Matthew?"

"Errrr…nothing. Just talking to myself. By the way, why did you start when you were so young?"

"Because I had to," said Florina.

"Was it really that important for you?"

"It was very important. In Ilia it's the only way women can make a living. We have to start young, so that our skills are fully developed by the time we actually need to use them."

_Note to self_, thought Matthew. _Next time Uther gives me time off, I'm going to Ilia._

"Okay, you're off to a good start Florina. Keep it up. Next question: who taught you how to do this activity that you enjoy and use to make a living in Ilia?"

"My big sisters, Fiora and Farina."

"DAMN, you had good teachers. I wish I had been there to see those lessons!"

"Yeah, they're both really good. I practice everyday and I'm still not as good as them. Only complaint I have is that sometimes, they got really competitive and forgot they were supposed to be teaching me. Honestly, who cares which one of them can go faster?"

_There's a mental image I'm never going to get out of my head_, thought Matthew.

"Florina, your family memories have just inspired me to attempt this activity on my own."

"You can't. Men aren't allowed to do this particular activity. And before you ask, it doesn't matter how many times you've screwed Guy. Technically you're still a man and you're still not allowed to ride a pegasus."

"Riding a pegasus, is that what we've been talking about this entire time?" Matthew said with mock surprise.

"Um, yeah I thought it was kind of obvious."

"I honestly had no idea." Matthew quipped. "I thought we were talking about masturbation."

…

…

…

…

"What's master…bay…shin."

"If you have to ask, you're not supposed to know yet. Don't worry, you'll figure it out on your own eventually."

"Okay, then I'll just ask Lyn. Bye Matthew! Don't forget to give Guy a turn on top."

"Damn it Florina! For the last time I'm not gay!"

It was too late of course. Florina's pegasus was already out of earshot. However, the words were not lost on the concealed man who had watched the entire exchange. A man who, now that Florina was gone, left his hiding spot to smack Matthew upside the head.

"Idiot!" Mark yelled. "You're never supposed to give away the punchline. It's an inside joke. They're supposed to be on the outside at all times."

"Relax Mark. The entire conversation just went completely over her head."

"I assure you, it won't go over Lyn's head. Did I not just here Florina say she was going to ask Lyn what masturbation is? Don't you think Lyn's first response is going to be 'tell me who taught you that word so I know who I have to castrate.'"

"That thought did occur to me," said Matthew. "Than I remembered that on average, Florina has a shorter attention span then Nino because her mind shuts down every time a man so much as looks at her the wrong way. I did a quick numbers crunch, just like you taught me, and figured the risk was acceptable."

At that moment Florina flew by screaming, desperately trying to rid herself of a certain green-armored paladin in hot pursuit.

"Well played Matthew," Mark acknowledged "Well played."


End file.
